A Mythological Kick to the Balls

If that title got your attention then you are likely a male or you're wondering the best way to hurt one.  In the latter case, I invite you to continue reading, but your mileage may vary.

I just got back from an evening with Sherman Alexie held in the intimate Beasley Coliseum with about a thousand of Alexie's closest friends that Professors assigned to him.  Honestly though, it was a riotously good time, and I'll always be grateful that my sister sent me.  In addition to winning both the PEN Faulkner and Hemingway awards (and National Book awards & c. & c.), Mr. Alexie is a gregarious public speaker and righteously irreverent.

The night began with an introduction dripping with jealousy, as is only befitting for such an accomplished author, then Sherman Alexie took the stage.  "Margot [the MC] has aged well.  Me?  Not so much, but that's okay, because I have money," and with those words all the bets I had placed on what this evening would be like were collected by the house - but I still won.  Alexie told stories about what it was like growing up rural and Indian poor, making fun of government issued food (including but not limited to "Canned Whole Chicken" - as the label so generously said, despite the fact that it was in fact IN a can and so redundant).  He did say that he missed the USDA cheese, however.  "My mother still sends me hunks of that cheese."
The kicker about his poor stories came about his dentist - you see, Indian Healthcare only authorizes once annual major oral surgery and Mr. Alexie had forty-two teeth.  I'll wait and let you count how many you have.  Spoiler alert: most people have 32.  So, Alexie had to have ten teeth pulled all in one day.  He did it in shifts, but that's not even the punchline.  The punchline was that this dentist believed that Indians only felt 50% of the pain that white people do.  Guess how much Novocaine he used?  Yup, 50%.  (Now we're getting to the title).  "I'm still waiting for him.  I'm a lot bigger now.  He'll say, 'Hi, remember me?  I was your dentist when you were a kid,' and I'll answer him with a kick to the crotch.  I'm not talking some small kick - I mean a BIG kick, a mythological kick.  Someday a grandmother will take her daughter up to the watchtower, climb the ladder to the tower, open the hatch, climb on the roof and point one  long finger. 'You see those two stars?'"  Alexie paused.  "I'll wait for you all to get it."  By this point most of the audience is howling with laughter like a pack of mad hyenas, then Alexie stage-whispers into the microphone, "Is he talking about balls?"
Much of the night carried on in a similar fashion, with Alexie demonstrating his mastery of brevity and the genius of leaving just enough unsaid.  As Oscar Wilde said, "Brevity is the Soul of Wit."  Alexie has plenty of soul.
Speaking of the soul, let's talk religion, because he certainly did.  "All creation myths are bullshit."  He went on to say how he went to a Catholic conference (being Catholic himself), and he listened to this woman give a beautiful discussion on reading the bible literally, specifically focused on the Garden of Eden.  An old Indian matriarch leaned over to Alexie and asked what he thought.  "Well, I think the Garden of Eden is beautiful; I'm not convinced but it sure sounds nice."
To which she replied, "It's bullshit.  You know how humans really came into the earth?  Lightning struck a log and the people walked out."
At this point in the story, Mr. Alexie gave the audience a knowing look.  "That's much more plausible."  Another rapture of laughter.  Then he talked about how we all came from Africa, walked across the Sinai peninsula, got a little lighter (brown skin like Osama bin Laden - let's pause here and consider that Jesus looked a lot more like bin Laden or Hussein than he did Brad Pitt) then moved across Russia and over the Bering Straight Land Bridge, "Indian's will say, 'That didn't exist!' Shut the fuck up, yes it did." So that's how people moved across the world with a lot of "Fuck you, I'm out of here"s in between.
The most enjoyable part of the whole evening was how it built on itself.  Alexie demonstrated his same mastery of storytelling by bringing back and adding depth and nuance to his previous statements.  He signed off with an incredibly moving statement.  "We survive you [white people] by storytelling.  We survive you by storytelling, and you love us for it."

Thanks for reading.  Now enough procrastinating, get back to your own stories.

Pope Trejo

So the Pope has resigned (first time in 600 years).  Because of this, today is a special edition of February short stories.  Thanks to reader Zach for the idea on this.

Vatican City

"Time to get down with the Brown."  The rightfully chosen Pope Danny Trejo (as himself) has been ousted by a vengeful old order.  Now it's time for payback.  Danny Trejo joins forces with outraged Catholics and lays siege to the Vatican.  

How I Lost All My FB Friends. 22

This is how to lose your sports-acquainted friend.

"So I keep seeing commercials saying that 'The Big Game' is coming up.  Is it baseball season already?"

BAM!  One angry lecture on whatever sport is playing on Sunday, and one less friend.

How I Lost All My FB Friends, 21 Extortion

After 20 of these tips on how to lose friends, I'm certain that people know JUST how charming you are.  Time to get something out of them in exchange for your being awesome.

If they post something about food (and most folks do on occasion), simply comment, "Man! You should send some of that up here to your bestie.  At least if you still want to be friends lol."

Then Follow up: "About defriending you: I'm serious.  Get some of that food to my doorstep."

Either you lose a friend or.... you get delicious food.  There is no way to lose here.

Thanks for reading!

How I Lost All My FB Friends, 17: Weighty Issues

What better way to lose friends than to give them inspirational quotes?

"Salvador Dali said that intelligence without ambition is like a bird without wings.  In other news, how's that avian paperweight of yours?"

If they don't get it, then they weren't that bright after all.  If they do get it, then maybe they'll grow some ambition and become your own personal archnemesis.  Lucky you!

How I Lost All My FB Friends, 16: Phishing for compliments

We all have friends that are Acolytes of a certain brand (often Google or Apple). To lose those friends, I recommend the following approach:

"I've been trapped in Bing for five days, and this Nigeri-Tron prince says he can get me out, but only if you mail me your (Android/iPhone) and $5000 to get the internets flowing the right way.  Please help!"

Worst comes to worst, you keep the friend AND $5000.  So really, it's a win-win (for you, not them).  Aaaaand, you get to fabricate a story about being stuck in the Tronverse AND meeting a friendly prince.  (Is that a win-win-win?... A win squared-win?...)

How I Lost All My FB Friends, episode 13

This is the scariest stuff EVER.  Link it to your friends to lose them (well, the last one might not make your friends give you up).   It's a more sure fire end to something than watching that video clip from The Ring.

Special Thanks to BIX for this one.

Cheers!

How I Lost My FB Friends, episode 10

This is mostly how to lose that English Major friend.  Post this link to "ask the editor" about prepositions.  Why alienate your own friends when you can have Winston Churchill do it for you?
If you really want to rub it in, say something like, "If Shakespeare could do it, so can I."

Caffeine and Paranoia

As fate would have it, one can actually be allergic to Caffeine. There are a lot of symptoms for Caffeine allergies, most of which closely resemble mental disorders (Schizophrenia, Paranoia and Manic-Depression taking the cake).

You might be thinking, "Well, that seems far-fetched." And you'd be right. It does seem far-fetched, but then again so do paradoxical reactions. Caffeine is by far the most available mass-market stimulant, and for most it is exceedingly effective, blocking your ATP receptors, thus not allowing you to realize that your body is drained (in essence giving you "energy"). For a few unlucky individuals, it makes them exhausted, and then there are those poor souls stuck with an allergy.

Imagine, if you will, your morning cup of coffee with a demon sitting in the cup, laying in wait down at the bottom of the delicious nectar of life. You look at your watch. Oh! You're going to be late! You down the last mouthful of coffee and swallow that demon right up. At work you are as productive as always (after checking farmville, of course). Something's different today, though. John, in the cubicle across from you, keeps giving you this look. Like he knows something you don't. You stare hard at him. John smiles and shrugs, before ducking back to his computer screen.
The boss walks by and talks to you about how valuable your work is to the company. You stare at him in wild-eyed terror, then you get back to work. In the reflection of your monitor, you see him talking to John. John laughs. They're plotting. Maybe the company is downsizing? That must be it. You're going to be fired; you're sure of it. No, that's crazy talk. You've been a loyal employee for several years now. Sure there was that rough bit, when you applied to see if you could get another job, but - wait. What if Boss found out? Well, he can't fire you for looking. Besides, the workplace morale went up, and you didn't even get another offer anyway.

You spend the rest of the day sipping coffee and working steadily on your TPS reports. John's glances become increasingly conspiratorial. Eventually, you just kick off work and go back home. Wife is home early. Maybe your boss called her? She looks concerned. You ignore her and eat some dinner quietly. If you're quiet enough maybe she'll slip and say why she's concerned.

While getting ready for bed, you catch your reflection looking at you funny. You duck beneath the counter and brush your teeth. But the mice might eat you if you stay too still. You do something like a crazed bottle dancer from Fiddler on the Roof, and you somehow manage not to choke to death on your toothbrush.

Now imagine that your day went like that EVERY TIME you drank coffee. Especially on days after a long night out.

Yep, Fate's a cruel harlot.