08 September 2011

D&D Seen through the innocent eyes of a Kleptomaniacal Paladin

A journal of Adventur-iness for Brunin the Beautiful (I don’t think she’ll like that title.)

Day 1: I made it to the town of Grenton and met up with some very interesting people! We have two fellows that are just like our Flying Friars (although I think these are a bit more serious minded, one of them keeps picking me up before I wander off. I’m not sure I like him). One is named Caedrus - He’s an elf! We have two elves in our party in fact. Caedrus and Nailo - Hey! They’re both monks. I wonder if only elves become monks? Well, I guess Caedrus is only half, but that still counts.
We joined the Order of the Blazing Spear. The contact is named Matthew Stillspirit - he’s a monk, too. Hmm, our party is very monkey.
They say the gods caused all the devastation around here. I wonder if that’s true? They always seemed so nice when any visited our town. Maybe that’s why everything was so dark outside of town and all the wanderers appeared in the town square? If I ever die, I’ll ask and try to tell you, Brunin. Wouldn’t that be exciting? I’ve never died before.

Mission 1: We went to Lemley and helped them defend their magic well that gave people the ability to be almost as strong as I am! I had to guard it while everyone else went off and got stabbed and had fun. I was disappointed. Although I did finally climb the watch tower without getting lit on fire! That was an experience. I could see for almost forever. I wonder if that’s what the gods feel like?

Mission 2: I heard that the rest of my group met a Xorn! It’s like an earth-frog that falls on paladins. I’m lucky I wasn’t there. Vinny Crude cut it up some good - he can use two weapons at once. I’m very impressed. I might lose an arm or two. Thimble is really funny. She’s a half-orc that was raised by halflings - they’re our less curious cousins. They don’t have as much cool stuff in their pouches as we do ( I know, I checked).

Mission 3: I’m a detective today! Pentrian Greathammer, Detective for hire. We found a magic bow that this jerk stuffed inside a lizard. Can you imagine that? A lizard big enough to ride around on and all this ranger can think to hide inside it is a lousy bow? He had a real lack of imagination. (Morty the Shorty, our dwarf bard, and my best friend is riding the lizard now) He mentioned your name after I punched him in the balls (He also gave me a really wicked scar! He was kind of a sweetheart, aside from being a murderous jerk and possibly having kidnapped you). I explored my mean side a bit today. I threatened people with losing their jobs if they didn’t listen to the super-ultra-mega important revelations that I had. They didn’t listen for some reason. I think they were too impressed with my body. I wonder if I scared them to silence since I was naked? Maybe I should always threaten people while not wearing pants!

Mission 4: Paney told us of a light bubble-bauble in this orc town. So it was our job to sneak in all quiet-like. I jumped over the back gate with Flex *Tear stains this area* Flex died!!! The bastard bugbears killed him. It’s all that stupid Cock-god’s fault (that wasn’t really his name, it was Hauk’gawd, but he was a jerk!). It turned out that Hauk’gawd had become a wizard and taken over this orc village. They raided dozens of caravans and were a big menace. I almost died, which is when Flex defended me to the death. I will always remember him. I raised him since he was a puppy, and he followed me home. I hope we go to Drethal soon; I hear that you were held prisoner there. Although, I imagine that lasted for all of about three minutes until you got bored. I wonder what turned Hauk’gawd into a wizard? I bet the item was cursed. He looked all kinds of ugly before we killed him.

Mission 5: We had to go to Avwa and meet a Corporeal Agzu (he was also a Corporal, I think). Their Lord Mayor Kopiv went missing. It turns out he was a real life thief, and he stole from his constituents and everything! They had missing hammers and daggers and all sorts of stuff. We found him in the basement along with over a hundred dead bodies that used to be people with bones. Now they don’t have bones, all because Kopiv summoned them down there to die at the hands (tentacles really) of a Bone Sucker. What was most amazing was that Kopiv didn’t believe himself to be evil, when he clearly was. I ripped off his hands trying to get him away from a machine that summoned people to their deaths. Corporal Agzu didn’t like me very much, but his brother sure did! Also, we returned a boat load of stolen items to their rightful owners. I knew my talents at finding things was a great asset to the world!

Mission 6: A compound filled with Orcs, bugbears, gnolls, and ogres alternated raiding and helping villages at random. Their leader, Za’onis, turns out to have been having his men, including his 2nd in command (Zab’iz), drink Joker’s fluid, which makes people forgetful and angry and helpful all at separate times. A huge man named Antwulf joined us and killed lots of orcs, even when they were helpful. He also shot Pwny. I was happy when he left. Also during the mission, I got your letter. I am coming to save you!

I taped the letter here so I wouldn’t lose it:
The next morning you wake up to find a pair of letters placed on your nightstand, the first bearing the symbol of Tobias Shadowblade and the second a crude seal of the family of Hillsong. You are torn between the two but choose duty in place of desire and open the former.

My child in arms,

This letter was retrieved on a trail near the Balinthian and old Fallenthian border near the Great Sea, which is a good ways from your home if I can remember correctly. It had your name on the front and our symbol cleverly and ever so mildly embossed on the back. The seal has not been broken but I can only sense... Alarm and trepidation coming from within it. I hope this finds you in good health and good spirits, as I believe you will need it.


You aren't exactly sure what he is trying to say, why would you need good health and good spirits to open a letter that was probably sent by Brunin?! Why is it alarmed? What does trepidation mean? Oh well... You'll ask Eloric or maybe that interesting dwarf Morty later, they'll know the meaning. Your left hand finds a random pouch to slip the letter in while your right darts to the letter you've longed for all along. You take a brief moment to touch the seal, which is rudely interrupted by a loud voice from down the hall. Your eyes lock on the door and you snap your head left and right a couple times to gain a better angle to see if anyone is there. No one... how boring. When your eyes return to the letter, you discover it has opened itself and placed itself firmly between both your hands in a manner making it easy to read. Brunin must have learned a magic trick while you were gone! She must be looking for magic too! You gather all of your concentration and plunge yourself into the letter.

My dearest Pentrian,

I miss you so much! I'm sorry I haven't written as often as I wanted to but I don't even know where they sent you! You sought out a world of adventure and it turns out you didn't even need to leave! Maybe a year and a half after you left we had SO MANY VISITORS! They came in one large group, all sorts of interesting creatures! Black skinned elves, giants with two heads, a blue skinned ogre, someone in dark robes with a completely black face or maybe it was no face (I couldn't see it), and lots of elves, humans, and orcs! We welcomed them with a feast! Well, with what food we had. They had so many interesting stories and had so many questions. They sounded a lot like you! It made me miss you when they asked about if we had seen any magic or knew about that organization you joined. I didn't say anything, just like you asked (although I almost forgot.) Near the end of the night there was a lot of accusations that they were missing stuff and that we stole it! Can you believe that? Who would do such a thing? Which reminds me, one of them must have slipped one of their cloaks into my backpack at the dinner table! I wish I would have known who did it so I could have thanked them! It was nice and silky and green and his this really shiny and pretty symbol on it. It was a circle with a mountain inside of it with a lightning bolt coming from the side and the point ended on a guy on his knees in the middle of the mountain. Then above that was an eye with a sword facing down in the pupil part. It felt really nice! Oh and everyone had that symbol I think! Some had it on their weapons, some on their armor... OH one guy had it poking out a little bit out of his forehead! It looked red... he must not be very good at magic. That night there was, wow I've never seen so many bones... some of them are even moving around... walking almost, anyways that night there was a LOT of noise and commotion. People screaming and others laughing. I didn't know what was going on but I was so tired I didn't want to go check. When I woke up, that man without the face was standing above me next to my bed. It sounded like he was talking... but talking to my brain, it was SOOO amazing! He said I was coming with him on a great adventure and that others were coming too! Can you believe it? Someone came to our village and OFFERED US ADVENTURE! He didn't give me very long to pack, he became grumpy after my 3rd backpack and said "We have no time to waste." What a bore... As I left the house, I figured out what all the noise was about! They must have had an awesome party and bonfire! Everyone was passed out on the ground! Well not everyone, your Uncle Tavin Crowhammer was laying down on this strange X shaped table with ropes around his ankles and wrists. The ropes were tied to four horses... he must have gotten REALLY drunk like he can get sometimes and they had to lay him down or something. Anyways, there were a lot of weapons laying next to everyone too and they dyed the ground red and brown with wine and beer! They loaded me up in a wooden carriage with wood bars from top to bottom. There must have been fifty of us in there, your dad too, they must have known that we like to look around all the time and that's why they gave us this wide open cart (although I've been standing for like 5 days and they won't let us sit or lay down.) I couldn't see your mom at first, but then I saw her as we were leaving town. She was laying facedown next to four really big orc looking guys and arrows were all around her... some even looked in her. They must have been drinking and playing with those sucker arrows... Who knew your mom could outdrink 4 orcs? Oh and I think the party got out of control at the town hall... It was burned down... It took forever to build that I hear! So after we left town, we've been traveling south for 5 straight days with no rest or bathroom breaks and we just finally turned east. Everything is, have you ever experienced like a walking dead thing with tentacles? Cause it's hugging your dad right now, through the bars. I don't think he likes it, he's making a lot of hoopla. Oh he's quiet now, he must have realized it just needed a friend. Everything is so dark and dreary here. I don't think I like this adventure so far, but hopefully when we get to where we are going it will be a lot more fun! I asked them if I could send a letter out and they said no! NO! Can you believe that? Well I just HAD to write you so I'm just going to throw this letter behind our carriage and hope someone finds it and gets it to you. I miss you so much Pentrian! I can't wait to see you again. I hope you are having a wonderful adventure! I will write you when I get to where we are going.

Your childhood bestest friend,
Brunin Hillsong

Mission 7: SAVE BRUNIN: I was informed that I had to complete my current mission before I could go save you. I am not sure I understand how RoMaD works. They said I would betray my knighthood if I went to save you instead of killing the current smelly ogres. They really miss the whole “save the damsel in distress” part of being a knight, I think. That seems to be the main tenet of being a knight. Oh well, I think most non-kender groups get caught of in the letters of the rules. It would seem to me that spreading love was the main goal of RoMaD, and magic is just their vessel to carry it. I mean, we go out and get things by helping people to help other people, thus engendering good feelings, right? So shouldn’t saving love be as important as spreading magic? More important really, since they all say magic got us into this mess.
We are only three days away from the town that should have information about your caravan. I sure hope I get there in time. I got a new riding dog. I named him Bro-flex. He looks so similar to Flex! I think they would have been good brother dogs.
I am coming. Please don’t die, okay?

Mission 7 (Continued): We found out what the symbol Brunin mentioned in her letter was (“It was a circle with a mountain inside of it with a lightning bolt coming from the side and the point ended on a guy on his knees in the middle of the mountain. Then above that was an eye with a sword facing down in the pupil part.”) The symbol is for Mountains of Magic- they’re basically the evil version of us!
My dad told us that Brunin was sold to a half-elf named Taflien, who is one of the gifted. Taflien lives in Dolqol and thinks that Kender are the key to bringing back magic. Apparently, he’s been doing horrible tests on Kender to unlock magic? I don’t really understand any of that, but what I do understand is that Ulrik Exantus, who sold Brunin into slavery and sold the rest of my town to various bidders, is directly involved in the death of my father.
I didn’t get there in time! I couldn’t. I did everything I could to help him. But the door was locked and he was dying. I’m glad Vinny was there; he pulled the iron bars right out of the ground so I could at least talk to my dad before he died. The stone didn’t work to save him, and my healing didn’t work to save him. I couldn’t save him. What if I won’t be able to save Brunin? I don’t know what I’ll do then.
It’s going to all end good, though. It has to. The gods wouldn’t protect us from that awful war only to let us die like this. Why would someone want to kill us? We find people’s lost things and cheer up the people that are sad - like those people in Yakuhz. Morty the Shorty played his awesome music and made people happy so that I could talk to them more. That is until Anzwulf and his dwarf buddy started killing everyone. It would have been better if he had actually succeeded in killing Ulrik maybe. My detect evil doesn’t work to find him, but how could anyone that enslaves other people for money be even slightly morally right? Laws be damned! It’s wrong.
I have to go finish getting everything ready for my dad’s funeral. I’ll write more later. I’ll need to buy more pouches. My dad didn’t die with his on, so I’ll give him mine. They have all kinds of interesting things in them. Maybe he can trade for some more colorful clothes with Uncle Tassl- *Tears stain the end of the entry - rendering it unreadable*

Mission 7(Conclusion): We freed all the slaves in Ulrik Exantus’s house and tracked him back to Yakuhz. Rustle led a team to dispatch an ambush, then I burned the house to the ground.

Mission 8: We arrived in Dupaws with a day to spare. Brunin is still in Dolqol, I hope. Dupuws is barely a day’s ride away. Irzi Woolmuk, a lizard wizard, and his pixie friend Torfkin are our new RoMaD handlers. I think we will find them supportive to helping find Brunin. Although, they seem to have no knowledge about Mountains Of Magic. Such an oversight seems terribly inconvenient. We sold the loot from Ulrik’s house for about 4000gp for each of us. Art sure is expensive.
Irzi handed us each a set of magical gear and told us to hunt down an ogre barbarian named Jaogel. The bastard gelled Vinny, before we could put him down. Vinny Crude will always have a special place in my heart for helping to break open my dad’s cell. We found a pair of funny gauntlets on the rampaging Ogre. When I put them on, my arms bulge. It’s not an altogether unpleasant experience. We can pay ten thousand to keep them, or trade them for a five thousand gold reward.
I have to go bury Vinny. At least he died with his pouches on.

Mission 9: Vinny’s funeral` was interrupted by RoMaD agents! It was the craziest thing. I couldn’t believe how rude they were, stabbing people and being all grr! “We’re stoned out of our minds!” Stabbity stab stab. I jumped over the fire and stabbed one. Pault was handy and killed one dead. The monk of Curds and Whey helped out too. It was a real group effort. I stayed and finished Vinny’s funeral but everyone else left to make sure people got back to HQ safely.
Bwix was our contact in the district of strangeness. Everyone except him talked openly about being RoMaD, and they were all super distracted. I don’t know what was wrong with them, but Rustle and Pault found out. Bwix had bought a pair of cursed rings from a M.o.M. demon agent, who masqueraded as an orc. It turned out that his wife was changing everyone with he touch. I saw the M.o.M. insignia on the ring box, snatched the box, and high-tailed it to murder that evil orc.
The demon murdered two more kender and wrote an inscription in blood on the wall of the Flying Talon inn. A Kenku translated it from Abyssal for us: “The wife is the key; the kender have the power; with their power combined the portal will open.”
We returned to Bwix’s house, to find that it had exploded. The demon had reclaimed the cursed rings and run downstairs. Rustle did most of the killing.

Mission 10: We went to a place called “Dickwad” but they spelled it “D-i-q-o-d.” I’m not sure quite how that works out. All the people there are super nice - AND rich! Thornwin, an half- elven Koi-Lord, gave me a horse figurine, which I tied to my top knot. I have almost as cool stuff as Great Uncle Tasslehoff now! Thornwin wasn’t terribly happy when Tic-Toc went swimming in the fountains, though. He poisoned the Crocodile in fact! Which was okay, because one of the people we needed to find was poisoned too, so he explained the antidote to us.
Oh right! The mission. So we went there to find Agent Coulomb (“Q”) and Nayej. They went missing after trying to smuggle some items from the nice people of Diqod back to RoMaD. It turned out that they befriended the wrong people, and one of them got dead, while the other got poisoned. Captain Bromad (Vinny’s replacement) also befriended these same wrong people, but he had us to back him up, so it was okay. It turns out that an agent of Mountains of Magic was there! He convinced Mayner the Barman at the Charging Hippo and Tinthian to join him in his mad quest for power. They stole the things that Q and Nayej stole, and then smuggled them back to MoM. One of the gate guards, Terrence, hid the trafficking, and when confronted by his partner, he sliced poor Johnathan to ribbons! Well, I high-tailed it to Mayner’s house, since Flex could track Terrence, and what did I find but these thieves attacking my friends? I charged in and helped clear that garbage out, but Rustle, Nailo, and the Captain all had it well in hand even before I got there.
Also the Captain destroys doors with his shield! How cool is that?

Mission 11: “The Town-melter” I got really behind on writing to you, since I’m so busy trying to find you! We haven’t had a real rest in a very long time. I’m writing during my night watch, which is maybe why Pault sees everything way before I do. We went to Dabmoore a few missions ago, and we discovered that a dragon had been murdering and melting towns in the area. A super-tall Grey-elf Half-dragon named Xorvin helped out an apparently useless mayor. The mayor I described as “short as the devil” which ended up being apt, because he was an evil dragon! (More on that later). Anyway, Xorvin attacked us when we got too close to the truth beneath Dabmoore. He hovered in the air and tripped my friends with spiked chains. Rustle helped a lot by launching a black ray at Xorvin. That really took some spring out of his step. The Grapist (some crazy that we met in Dabmoore and is REALLY angry) did a good bit against Xorvin. Captain Bromad convinced the mayor to change the name of the town to Dromadia and instructed us when to duck and dodge - not to mention dip and dive - in order to avoid the jerk’s swinging chain. Pault made a good effort, but it’s really hard for him to reach tall with his scimitar - or kukri, however he calls it.

Mission 12: “Durmuk” - The entire town was controlled by a mind-flayer! I found an ancient text on Mind Flayers in the Library. I think they lost it, because it’s in my pouch now. Anyway, this is what a Mind Flayer is http://penny-arcade.com/comic/2009/06/22. Also, I set a barn on fire! It was really, super-duper sad. So many horses were dead. People just stopped feeding them and left them tied up, so they starved to death. I wouldn’t want to starve to death. I went hungry for a few days when I got lost going to Tobias Shadowblade’s house. There’s not much to eat around Mincordia. It’s all blackened and gross. There were lots of these things that called for “brians” all the time, too. Brian must have hurt them real bad.
Also I saw two halflings beat a kender to death! Can you imagine the treachery? Short people need to work together to do big things, and these halflings betrayed a sacred trust. We saved one kender, named Darrell from Hyreese. Can you believe it? There are more Kender than just our village. Isn’t that exciting? But, they’re all being abducted and murdered and being painted across the walls and floors for eldritch rituals too. This problem is way worse than I thought. Darrell got smashed to goo along with Tic Toc when some ettins attacked us, trying to get Darrell back. Right after the attack, I got a vision of you being tortured, so I ran to the underground bedchamber of the Mindflayer to save you. We saw a bonfire and so many kender just kneeling there, waiting for death from the Mindflayer.

Rustle killed the Mindflayer, though. The bastard ate a lot of captured kender before she put him down though. It was really sad.

Mission 13: “Return to Dromadia” (Formerly known as Dabmoore). The Short as the Devil Mayor is a dragon! Pault lashed it with his blade, Rustle killed it dead as it fled from our might, but not before I almost died twice and Flex had to leave to the Celestial Realms - so I won't see him for a really, really long time. It’s really interesting being so close to death; I’ve almost met Moradin four times now. His waiting room is filled with all sorts of shiny things. I’m sure some things jump into my pouches, but so far I haven’t been able to find any after I wake up. It’s the most surreal-est dream-type thingy ever. Also, we found some papers that said Ulrik was here in Dromadia.

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