30 January 2013

How I Lost All My FB Friends, 23

Almost everyone these days has some sort of college debt.  In fact, a quick tour around Change.org will reveal dozens upon dozens of people petitioning for signatures on their petition to help them pressure the loan companies to forgive their college loans.

The real way to lose these friends is to torque them where it hurts: in the perfect world of what could have been.

"Hey, [name], did you know that Germany has almost $0 tuition AND healthcare is included if you're a student?"

Watch as that "friends" ticker plummets to 0.

Thanks for reading.  This will be the last update for January, because in February, I'm starting a different cycle.  One that will update on a Monday, Wednesday, Friday schedule.  This cycle will feature short stories written by yours truly.  Feel free to send in prompts, if I like it, I'll write a story about it!

29 January 2013

How I Lost All My FB Friends. 22

This is how to lose your sports-acquainted friend.

"So I keep seeing commercials saying that 'The Big Game' is coming up.  Is it baseball season already?"

BAM!  One angry lecture on whatever sport is playing on Sunday, and one less friend.

28 January 2013

How I Lost All My FB Friends, 21 Extortion

After 20 of these tips on how to lose friends, I'm certain that people know JUST how charming you are.  Time to get something out of them in exchange for your being awesome.

If they post something about food (and most folks do on occasion), simply comment, "Man! You should send some of that up here to your bestie.  At least if you still want to be friends lol."

Then Follow up: "About defriending you: I'm serious.  Get some of that food to my doorstep."

Either you lose a friend or.... you get delicious food.  There is no way to lose here.

Thanks for reading!

27 January 2013


Thank you, readers, for your astounding fortitude of reading these 20 posts.  As my posts yesterday might have tipped off, I've been on something of a literature kick.  So here's to you classy readers.  

"Man, you really remind me of Steinbeck's Curley.  You'd probably pick on a mentally challenged giant, too."  

One less friend.  

26 January 2013

HILAMFBF 19 (The Double Tap)

If on the other hand, you are like Stradlater and happen to date your friends' ex's, then here's one for you to decapitate that friendship.

"Hey, [dude/lady], I just used Zombieland rule no. 2 on your ex-[girl-/boyfriend]."

Then do a follow up post.

"I double tapped them."

Keep it classy?  Of course not, you're rolling like Stradlater.

HILAMFBF 18 (I don't think the acronym will stick)

So I've been re-reading Catcher in the Rye, which of course I'm sure you have all read.  So to get rid of that annoying person that seems to date the folks you used to go around with, here's this handy line: "You remind of Stradlater, and if you don't know who that is than you're more like him than I even believed."

Because of course, Stradlater is a moron.

24 January 2013

How I Lost All My FB Friends, 17: Weighty Issues

What better way to lose friends than to give them inspirational quotes?

"Salvador Dali said that intelligence without ambition is like a bird without wings.  In other news, how's that avian paperweight of yours?"

If they don't get it, then they weren't that bright after all.  If they do get it, then maybe they'll grow some ambition and become your own personal archnemesis.  Lucky you!

23 January 2013

How I Lost All My FB Friends, 16: Phishing for compliments

We all have friends that are Acolytes of a certain brand (often Google or Apple). To lose those friends, I recommend the following approach:

"I've been trapped in Bing for five days, and this Nigeri-Tron prince says he can get me out, but only if you mail me your (Android/iPhone) and $5000 to get the internets flowing the right way.  Please help!"

Worst comes to worst, you keep the friend AND $5000.  So really, it's a win-win (for you, not them).  Aaaaand, you get to fabricate a story about being stuck in the Tronverse AND meeting a friendly prince.  (Is that a win-win-win?... A win squared-win?...)

22 January 2013

How I Lost All My FB Friends, 15

Sometimes the direct approach is best.  So if nothing else has been working, try this approach: "Unfriend me or this sunburned man will beat you with a Mahi Mahi."
Of course, if the friend is a fisherman, then they'll probably call your bluff, and then tell you about the 40lb. Mahi Mahi they caught.  

21 January 2013

How I Lost All My FB Friends, episode 14

Thanks for reading!  Here's another tip for getting rid of those pesky friends.

Their post: ".... Why does this always happen to me?"
Your post: "Because you're not as good looking as I am."

You feel better AND lose a friend.  Aren't you lucky?

20 January 2013

How I Lost All My FB Friends, episode 13

This is the scariest stuff EVER.  Link it to your friends to lose them (well, the last one might not make your friends give you up).   It's a more sure fire end to something than watching that video clip from The Ring.

Special Thanks to BIX for this one.


19 January 2013

How I Lost All My FB Friends, 12 (Rhetorical Edition)

This is another one sure to get some temper boiling over onto that "unfriend" button.

Just a simple question, no follow up needed: "Who would Jesus bomb?"

Boom! Instant firestorm.

18 January 2013

How I Lost All My FB Friends at the 11th hour

We all have friends that are staunch creationists (and there's nothing wrong with that), but if you really want to get rid of them, link to this 19 year old that raises some good points about SCIENCE!
Then post, "So humans are more creative than God, because we can dream up a self-correcting system, but God couldn't do that with all that time He had before time began?"  Then do another follow up post pointing out how outright nasty these "Christians" are being to this kid over a clearly religious issue.

17 January 2013

How I Lost My FB Friends, episode 10

This is mostly how to lose that English Major friend.  Post this link to "ask the editor" about prepositions.  Why alienate your own friends when you can have Winston Churchill do it for you?
If you really want to rub it in, say something like, "If Shakespeare could do it, so can I."

16 January 2013

How I Lost All My FB Friends, episode 9

Today's installment is really good for getting rid of friends who are under review for security clearances, or perhaps who are applying to new jobs, especially if they leave a status to that effect.  

"Hey, man, remember that time you...[stole all those guns][took a butt ton of acid and blacked out for three days][murdered your neighbor's cat][etc.]"  The best part of this is that it doesn't really have to be true!  Although if it isn't true, you might get sued for libel.  So there is that...

15 January 2013

How I Lost All My FB Friends 8: the Eightening

We all have some FB friends that are younger than us, but let's take pretentious to a whole new level so we can lambaste ANYONE.  Instead of saying, "I'll tell you when you're older," to passive aggressive rhetorical ramblings that end in questions like "Why does this always happen to me?" say::
"I'll tell you when you're more emotionally mature."
Then do a follow up post:
"You're an idiot."

Friend problem solved.

14 January 2013

How I lost all my FB Friends, episode 7

We all have that friend that really thinks that they are photogenic, but... well, you know what's next.  One of the rules of the universe is that person has to post photos of themselves incessantly, forever lurking just below the "older posts" bar.  Waiting.
But today, instead of saying, "Hey, dude, that eyeliner makes you look like the joker -- and no, that won't get you chicks, man.  I mean you REALLY look like a spree killer.  Listen, only Johnny Depp can wear eyeliner and make ladies swoon," you can simply fix the problem for everyone.  Give them a link to this hat.  That way you gain a cool dwarf friend and NOBODY has to see your -- well, you know what's next -- friend.  Everybody wins.  

13 January 2013

How I lost all my FB friends, episode VI

So I used roman numerals this time because Episode VI was my favorite of the three Star Wars films.  (I'm sorry, Natalie Portman.  You are a fabulous actress, but without Han Solo... I'm sure you understand.)

Here's another handy way to lose that pesky oversharing FB friend.  "Dear [be sure to tag your soon-to-be-ex-friend here], I'm sorry your heart was broken, but did you really think that all those passive aggressive posts were really going to mend your relationship? #notsosly"

Cheers, and best of luck losing those friends!

12 January 2013

How I lost all my FB friends, Episode Five

A little perspective:

"Wow!  That is a startling statistic.  Can I get some sources for that?"

Alternately, you can use truthorfiction.com or Snopes.com to check out the veracity on someone's claims and then point out how gullible the person is.  What fun! 

11 January 2013

How I lost all my FB friends, Episode IV

Here's one I think anyone can appreciate:

"Man, you know a lot about [TV Show].  When did you last finish reading a book?"

10 January 2013

How I lost all my FB friends, installment the third

So, we're all still upset (and rightly so) about the heartbreaking events at Sandy Hook, and we're all still instant experts on gun violence statistics. Here's how to lose some friends today:
"How complicit are you in our current culture of violence?"
 Heck, it's a question I ought to post on my own statuses.

ADDENDUM: Whether you're pro-gun or anti-gun (not that those are the only choices on the spectrum), nobody likes that people got murdered, so please do keep that in mind if a conversation develops.

09 January 2013

How I lost all my FB friends, episode dos.

The fun continues today! Here's some food for thought for your soon-to-be ex-FB friends. Aren't they lucky? Comment: "Please remember that even though you were in your pajamas when you posted, that the internet is, in fact, not as private as your bedroom." Do remember however, that this comment won't work on everyone! For some people, their bedroom and FB share the exact same level of privacy. (Glean from that what you will.)

08 January 2013

Inappropriate Status Comments, or how I lost all my FB friends.

I'll be aiming to update this post daily through the end of January. If you want to know how to lose friends, or maybe you just want a place to vicariously post insensitive comments, leave one below! Comment #1: "You have two options: shut up or grow a pair" (For Ladies add "of brass ovaries" then you'll be ready to FB defend your reproductive rights)