Roleplaying Games IRL

Hello intrepid readers,
This will be my first post using the delayed publish feature. I thought about asking you all to tell me if it didn't post, but then I realized that was about as useful as asking those absent to raise their hands and be counted.

I've played Dungeons and Dragons for the majority of my life at this point, and I've come to realize how much more grounded in reality I am now than I used to be. Some people may wonder at this since I'm now trying to eke out a living as a writer, instead of pursuing mechanical engineering.
Allow me to explain, I used to want to live as a D&D Hero. You might be thinking, "Well, Thomas, doesn't everyone want to be a hero?" or "What's wrong with that?" For those of you with these thoughts consider this:

EVERY day of a Hero's life is enforced TORTURE.




(Notice dramatic spacing) That's right, folks! Every single day of an RPG Hero's life is another day in Hell. Get a limb hacked off? Cure Light Wounds and get back in there, champ!
Rotting while still alive? Cure Disease, then keep fighting!
Did you finally die and earn eternal rest? WRONG! Raise Dead will rip you from the embrace of your god and put you back on this world where monsters and evil outnumbers decent folks 400 to 1.
I mean, if you think about it, healers are like Afterlife-Nazis, "No eternal rest for you!"

All this is not to say that one shouldn't play Role Playing Games, because of course they are massively enjoyable, but one shouldn't want to live in one of these worlds. Unless, one is hugely masochistic, because with cure light wounds the pain can go on forever.

Lessons to learn from the Upcoming Movie "Hop"

If you all haven't seen the trailer yet for the movie Hop, you can watch it here. From this trailer we learn from whence jelly beans really come: Easter bunny poop. There are three lessons we can learn from this about jelly bean companies.

Lesson 1: Off-brand jelly bean companies either a) hire people to walk around collecting easter bunny poop or b) (more likely) kidnapped a few of - no doubt - large number of easter bunny progeny and force feed their ill-gotten rabbits until they poop enough jelly beans to fill dime store plastic eggs for pennies on the dollar compared to name brand companies.

Lesson 2: Jelly Belly is a questionable company that either uses animal husbandry to force mutations into the Easter Bunny genes, OR Jelly Belly subjects their easter bunny babies to injections of different chemicals to make the poop taste like mocha.

Lesson 3: This you should already know. Bot's Every Flavor Bean Co. is the devil. How else can you explain mixing regular rabbit poop with easter bunny poop? I mean come on.

Drink in, writing out

Occasionally, a writer must take a break from rewriting in order to maintain sanity. I find myself in such a predicament now. I've been editing and rewriting my first novel "Wizard Storm" for several months now, and frankly, rewriting, while rewarding, tends to numb the mind after a while. The characters keep talking and telling one how awfully they have been misportrayed. I'm actually caught in such a predicament with the main character Theldun, whose fall and tentative redemption makes up the main driving force for the story. The problem is, he doesn't fall far enough when he gets redeemed. Of course, I intend to remedy this later by a second, deeper fall from grace, but Theldun insists that he is incredibly bitter and venomous. Theldun's venom isn't shown well enough. So I now face the question, if I show this young wizard's venom more fully, will that cheapen his redemption?
Honestly, the answer is yes. He hasn't been shown enough of the redemptive force to actually choose life over death. To try and address this issue, I took a rather... drastic course of action.
I blinded him.
Theldun, of course, wasn't thrilled with the outcome, but the action scenes are much more interesting with a mostly-blind character's life on the line. Perhaps with Theldun's healing, his eyes will be opened to his inner brokenness?

Stellar Cookies

The process of creating a star is like baking a chocolate chip cookie. The basic “dough” for the star is called a nebula. The nebula is a cloud of dust and gas, predominantly hydrogen (“Stellar Birth,” Case Western Reserve University – hereafter called “CWRU”). The first step to creating a star is to wait until conditions are right. If the star was a cookie, this would be the step of preheating the oven and making sure to check that one has all the needed ingredients.
At some point a star or shockwave will move through the nebula and pull all the ingredients together. This event is like the craving one sometimes develops to bake chocolate chip cookies. Once all the ingredients have come together and the conditions are right (the oven is preheated), then the universe uses gravitational collapse as one would use one’s hands to pack all the ingredients together tightly and to mix them correctly. Gravitational collapse kneads the dough into balls for ten thousand to one million years. During this time, the star dough cools itself by emitting radio waves and infrared radiation; however, the gravitational collapse will continue to heat the star dough despite the dough’s attempts to cool off. This is due to the continual contraction of the star dough, which increases the heat. The radio waves and radiation shooting off the star dough can be thought of as the water which bakes out of the cookie dough.
While gravitational collapse happens, the star dough will spin with increasing speed, flattening the ball of star dough, just as a cookie will flatten out during baking. At this point the chocolate chips will become visible. At the center of the flattened star dough will be the largest chunk of chocolate: the protostar. The other chocolate chips will orbit the protostar; these chocolate chips are called “protoplanets.” This stage is also called “Pre-main Sequence” (“Stellar Birth,” CWRU). If the dough has enough of the right ingredients, then the protoplanets and the protostar will continue to undergo gravitational collapse for about 50 million years until the internal temperature of the protostar reaches about 18 million degrees Fahrenheit (~10 million Kelvin) (“Stellar Birth,” CWRU). At this point, hydrogen fusion will begin, and the protostar will become an actual, stable Main Sequence star (“Stellar birth,” CWRU). The solar wind will blow away any remaining nebula dust around the star. One might note that since there is no air in the vacuum of space, that “Solar wind” is a misnomer, but that does not stop these charged particles from shooting out of the new star at speeds exceeding “1.5 million kph” (“Glossary”, CWRU). At this point, the star dough has become a solar system cookie. This cookie will last for anywhere between 5 and 10 billion years, until the star explodes. (A good chef will avoid such an outcome with their cookies.)
If the dough does not have enough ingredients, then the protostar will become a brown dwarf. A brown dwarf is a failed star and, much like a chocolate chip cookie which is lacking some ingredients, is little more than a hot, useless lump. The surface temperature of a brown dwarf is about 1800 Kelvin which is roughly one one-thousandth of the heat needed to create an actual star. Some scientists blame brown dwarfs for the missing mass of the universe. This missing mass, also called “dark matter,” claims almost 25% of the weight of the universe (“Stellar Birth,” CWRU). It is important to note this rather encouraging news, because if one’s chocolate chip cookies turn out right more than 75% of the time (with respect to mass), then one can count oneself as being better than the universe at making cookies.



Works Cited
"Glossary." Journey through the Galaxy. Case Western Reserve University, 11 Jan. 2006. Web. 27 Jan. 2011. .


"Stellar Birth." Journey through the Galaxy. Case Western Reserve University, 11 Jan. 2006. Web. 27 Jan. 2011. .

Epic of Ice Eyes the Blinded One

Here is a Skaldic-style poem for your enjoyment.

This poem is a Skaldic Poem, which carries with it several burdens.
-Trochees: A skaldic poem is (ideally) in Trochaic trimeter. This one is just in trimeter as is.

-Archaic language: At times this will sound incredibly dated. That’s supposed to happen.

-Alliteration is key. Norse poetry especially prizes Consonance as a tool for sound. Rhyming doesn’t matter one bit to this Norse form.

-Kennings: A kenning is a turn of phrase whereby you call something by something else. (e.g. Driving-Tyr is actually Thor, or Hanged-Tyr is Odin, or wave-horse is a boat.) This means that one character will have many names (Odin has in excess of 100). Below is a list of the names associated with the main character:
Winterbreath’d warrior, Ice-sharp eyes, Ice eyes, The Blinded One, Winterbreath, Sword-wielder, Shining Light, the Hero, Battler for Balance.



Lo in the days of old,
of Æsir and the Helm
of Blinding Faith, Guard’ans
of the Balance arose
to face the dreadful Plight.
‘Twas said that a man tipped
Balance ‘twixt Good and Ill.
This man awoke the Dead,
wrested the immortals
from their slumber.

So it was in the days of Old.
All was lost, the sun grew cold.
He wandered the wind whipped
wastes of white. Trees adorned:
Armor of dross and ice.
Wintered Breath, Ice-sharp Eyes.
He sought the artifacts,
those godly gifts of Grace.

The Battler for Balance,
that man of Ice-sharp eyes,
wintered breath. His will froze
the tide so that he might
break the crashing waves of
that Usurper –Waker
of those that Slumber.
Winter breath set captive
souls free. He claimed the Blade
of Lore – sword of Æsir.
Ice Eyes chased the Waker.
He was entranced by the curséd
gaze o’ he who challenged gods.
Many times did As-disk
rise before the Winter
Breath’d warrior awoke,
hands deep in the blood of
innocence. Crumpling
to the ground, Wintered Breath
Battler for Balance pled
his penance to the gods:
Balance and Good and Ill.
Tyr, that old Judge, deemed what
all found acceptable.
God of the maimed hand struck
the sockets of Ice-Sharp
Eyes blind. Poetry-Tyr
gifted the Blinded One
with a helm. The Helm of
Blinding Faith. “He who can
not see in Darkness is
truly blind indeed.”

So it was in the days of Old,
when all was lost and nights were cold.
He wandered through thicket
and glazed glass glade. To face
the Tigermen – Rakshasa -
on Steeds of Flame, melting
swaths through the air and plain.

Arrows of poison plunged
deep into his chiseled chest.
The Battler for Balance
fell to Hrym’s Brow, his arm
lame as Maiméd-Odin.
The Nightmare Rider bore
death down on him, flowing
fire following behind.
Wintered Breath extended
his bloodied blade, gave gods
his mind. Blaze of As-fire
spewed from his shining sword,
skewered the steed, stopping
the slayer. Slowly his
salvation struck him.
Strength-Odin renewed him,
standing him aright.

So it was in the days of Old
All was lost and the Sun grown cold.
He wandered through dangers,
drifted through whiteroads.
Rumors of the Waker’s Ill
spread to the stout statured.
Demons assailed the Chain.

The Battler for Balance,
his Light shone in the deep.
He found those stout hearted
folk slain by slavering
Loki-spawn, their sin to
succeed. The few dwarves that
survived, slaved at simm’ring
mines. Their chin-pride singed ‘way.
Scorchéd pride spawns searing
justice. Casting off chains,
they clamored for conflict.
They fought the demons and
destroyed. Demise deigned turn
none away. Dwarves
dedicated to th’Deep.
That Shining Light recovered
the Chain. He secured it
in the safety Book-Thor’s
Reliquary. Book-Thor
bequeathed the Blinded One
a boon for brave battle
of Balance. The Book of
Blood, a cursed artifact
written to grant a last
chance to who must rebuild
Balance. Winter Breathéd
Warrior would wage war
against that evil Wizard,
Waker of Slumberer.

So it was in the days of Old
All were lost and the sun was cold
He wandered through dangers,
drifted upon whiteroads
Demons of dross dying
destroyed for the Balance.
The Sword slashed a swath so
that all might be re-found.

Lo, did he chase Waker
of the Slumberer, to
a Keep of Cauldrons and
Cicatrices. Usurper
of the Balance had prepared
himself for Wintered Breath –
blinded Bringer of Light.
Flayed-faced fighters flailed in vain.
No warrior waited
long beneath his wrath-blade.
The warriors were cleaved
in twain.

So it was in the Days of Old,
The As-disk lost, hearts grew cold.
He watched for Warriors,
Shining Sword of Salvation
shone in the Deep. Justice
to the unjust. Just his
duty to Balance.
And still he descended

He descended the Deep
Stair to th’darkness beyond
blindness, but he could see.
Ice Eyes the Wearer
of the Helm of Blinding
Faith. “He who cannot see
in darkness is truly
blind.” He of the Ice-sharp eyes -
that Blinded One said. Years
did the Dark-sighted one
descend, dipping, drooping
‘neath Time’s dilapidated
hand. At long last, he reached
the bottom, an aged man.
His sight was no less sharp,
for he saw true – a gift
from shining god – Odin.
His muscles were weakened
by the weathering and
withering of wasteful
Time. He could no longer
heft the Blade, heavy as
it was with hope. Then the
Slumberer – that old Dragon –
did speak. “You have traveled
an age to find my servant,
the Waker. He is gone.
Time is past. His era
has ended, as has yours.
Mine has begun. Alas,
you cannot see me, servant,
but I survey your shallow
sockets, sagged with sorrow
and strain. Sliced from their seats
for your sins. Surrender
yourself to Solace. Give
up the Ghost.”

So it was in the days of Old
Wintered Breath lost, the sun grown cold
He who wandered the wastes,
now descends to denounce
Usurper of Balance.
Demise deigns to turn none
away. Ice-sharp Eyes grown
old must too his debt pay.

Ice-sharp Eyes – that Blinded
One – surrendered no thing.
He brought out the Book of
Blood, read the pages with
his hand. Hefting his hope,
he hurled it at Slumb’rer.
The Æsir Blade bit deep,
burrowed into the bone
of that Ancient Dragon.
A roar of rage resounded
through the death-thick air.
“Balance must be restored.”
The Book of Blood flew in
the air, as the Dragon
came crashing towards the bleeding,
broken Battler for Balance.
Streams of sun shot from the
Blinded One’s eyes. The Light
lanced that old Dragon, life
leaked from the Slumberer.
Wintered Breath and Dragon
latched together, light with dark.
The Balance was maintained.
Good for Ill. Ill for Good.